Need advice

[DEgurlzhoops]

My daughter is 14 (15 next month) 6’ 1 ½” tall, excellent student, and is pretty talented and skilled for her age, not elite, but good…coaches and observers say she has tremendous upside, and she shows it once in a while. The problem is that no one is harder on her than herself and its really affecting her performance on the court. She misses one or two shots or if the person she is guarding scores she is done. She gets frustrated and quits. When learning a new move, if she doesn't pick it up after 3 or 4 attempts, she gives up. No matter how positive I am in encouraging her, it doesn’t work. I think I’ve finally figured it out, but I don’t know what to do about it.

She is afraid to fail and it’s an internal battle within. And, she is too concerned about what other people think. She doesn’t want to set goals because if she doesn’t reach them then she feels she has failed. She doesn’t want to commit to anything because that would mean she would have to work…she doesn’t want to work. She knows the reason her play is inconsistent is because she doesn’t work on her game outside of practice. She says she wants to get stronger so I say ok, let’s join a gym. We can make a schedule for the days you want to go workout. Her response was “I don’t like schedules,” I said why not, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” My response to her was, the schedule is just a guide, you don’t have to go on those particular days or times if you don't feel like it, but you should go at least three days per week. To her, making a schedule to workout or work on her game is a commitment to doing work which she knows she SHOULD do, but DOESN’T want to do. Hence, the frustration she feels on the court when shots aren’t falling or she gets beat on defense.

Has anyone gone through this with their daughter? Does it change with maturity? I know she has to make up her mind on her own…she has to want it. When asked if she wants to be great, its always “I don’t know.” What can I do or say to help her?

I’m afraid by the time she gets it, it will be too late and the college coaches and recruiters will see her as SUSPECT instead of a PROSPECT.

[BrooklynSaints]

My daughter is 14 (15 next month) 6’ 1 ½” tall, excellent student, and is pretty talented and skilled for her age, not elite, but good…coaches and observers say she has tremendous upside, and she shows it once in a while. The problem is that no one is harder on her than herself and its really affecting her performance on the court. She misses one or two shots or if the person she is guarding scores she is done. She gets frustrated and quits. When learning a new move, if she doesn't pick it up after 3 or 4 attempts, she gives up. No matter how positive I am in encouraging her, it doesn’t work. I think I’ve finally figured it out, but I don’t know what to do about it.

She is afraid to fail and it’s an internal battle within. And, she is too concerned about what other people think. She doesn’t want to set goals because if she doesn’t reach them then she feels she has failed. She doesn’t want to commit to anything because that would mean she would have to work…she doesn’t want to work. She knows the reason her play is inconsistent is because she doesn’t work on her game outside of practice. She says she wants to get stronger so I say ok, let’s join a gym. We can make a schedule for the days you want to go workout. Her response was “I don’t like schedules,” I said why not, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” My response to her was, the schedule is just a guide, you don’t have to go on those particular days or times if you don't feel like it, but you should go at least three days per week. To her, making a schedule to workout or work on her game is a commitment to doing work which she knows she SHOULD do, but DOESN’T want to do. Hence, the frustration she feels on the court when shots aren’t falling or she gets beat on defense.

Has anyone gone through this with their daughter? Does it change with maturity? I know she has to make up her mind on her own…she has to want it. When asked if she wants to be great, its always “I don’t know.” What can I do or say to help her?

I’m afraid by the time she gets it, it will be too late and the college coaches and recruiters will see her as SUSPECT instead of a PROSPECT.

To me it sounds like your daughter is the typical 14/15 year old girl. There are few teenagers I know who really want to work. Particularly working on things they know they are not good at. I think when your daughter finds something that she has passion for she will work to get it. Right now she is playing basketball because she is tall and its something to do. My suggestion is leave her alone and let her enjoy being 14. The good grades that she has will get her a lot further than basketball ever will.

[scoutnwhoops]

If you are her encouraging coach that may be an issue too. If basketball is her passion then finding a non-parent coach to pay her the attention for the things she does well may help her work on the new things to get additional praise, it just doesn't always work coming from a parent coach.

BS may be right that hoops may not be her passion or being a teenager first and a basketball player later may be her best route.

[funhoops]

DEgurlzhoops,
I just went through a similar situation with my daughter. She is a couple of years younger but approximately the same size and also a good student. I was frustrated because I knew she could work harder at times in both practice and game situations. When I asked her if she wanted to be the best, she would respond "I don't know." She knew for sure that she always wanted to win. I tried several different methods to convey to her that to win more, she needed to work harder on her skills, but to no avail.

Finally I pulled back and realized that it was not just her fear of failing but also her fear of failing me. She needed to be reminded that I was going to be her dad first and foremost. I had become both a parent and a fan. Sometimes the fan became more pronounced than the parent. I was always careful not to be a negative or overbearing parent, and never yelled at or pushed her. But I was without a doubt her biggest and first fan. She just didn't want to loose me as a fan.


I encouraged her to work on 1 new thing in each practice and game that didn't directly affect winning or losing. Sometimes it was just catching the ball in the post with her feet in the right position, or trying a new post move. The small successes led to bigger and more complex ones.

Finally I had her join a team where she was not the best player and overly responsible for the outcome of the game. She also has a coach that focuses on what she is doing right and not what she is doing wrong. Smart players know what they have done wrong without a coach or parent screaming so the rest of the gym knows as well.

Once she felt that she could try something new and fail without the world coming to an end, she began to have fun, try new things and play harder more often.

I am sure a smart girl, like your daughter, with an active parent will find her way soon. I would also trust that college coaches and scouts like Glenn and Chris will find her if she is capable of playing at the next level.

Hopefully this helps and good luck!

[glenn]

Don't worry, your daughter is way, way normal. When I write my book, this certainly will be a chapter. Guys will go out, mess up, laugh about it with his buddies and move on. Girls will calculate the risks involved. As you point out, they will not try because not trying, they think, takes them off the hook in case they fail. It's difficult to explain that not trying also is a form of failure. I look it at this way: Much of my own basketball career was carried out in silence, in front of no one. These days, the kids play in front of families, friends, you name it and the audience is usually emotionally charged. I admire that, and tell them. However ... if you start trying to push your daughter to take risks, she will, as you have found out, rebel against that pressure. Yes, the girl who takes chances, sets goals and risks "looking stupid," is the one who typically excels in sports. You don't want your daughter to withdraw from everything. She has her talent, and it will reveal itself at her pace.

[DEgurlzhoops]

Thank you everyone for the great advice. I will definitly use it and keep you posted.

[YourCrimsonNightmare]

I just gave this thread a well-deserved five star rating.

[txbasketball24]

My daughter is 14 (15 next month) 6’ 1 ½” tall, excellent student, and is pretty talented and skilled for her age, not elite, but good…coaches and observers say she has tremendous upside, and she shows it once in a while. The problem is that no one is harder on her than herself and its really affecting her performance on the court. She misses one or two shots or if the person she is guarding scores she is done. She gets frustrated and quits. When learning a new move, if she doesn't pick it up after 3 or 4 attempts, she gives up. No matter how positive I am in encouraging her, it doesn’t work. I think I’ve finally figured it out, but I don’t know what to do about it.

She is afraid to fail and it’s an internal battle within. And, she is too concerned about what other people think. She doesn’t want to set goals because if she doesn’t reach them then she feels she has failed. She doesn’t want to commit to anything because that would mean she would have to work…she doesn’t want to work. She knows the reason her play is inconsistent is because she doesn’t work on her game outside of practice. She says she wants to get stronger so I say ok, let’s join a gym. We can make a schedule for the days you want to go workout. Her response was “I don’t like schedules,” I said why not, “I don’t know, I just don’t.” My response to her was, the schedule is just a guide, you don’t have to go on those particular days or times if you don't feel like it, but you should go at least three days per week. To her, making a schedule to workout or work on her game is a commitment to doing work which she knows she SHOULD do, but DOESN’T want to do. Hence, the frustration she feels on the court when shots aren’t falling or she gets beat on defense.

Has anyone gone through this with their daughter? Does it change with maturity? I know she has to make up her mind on her own…she has to want it. When asked if she wants to be great, its always “I don’t know.” What can I do or say to help her?

I’m afraid by the time she gets it, it will be too late and the college coaches and recruiters will see her as SUSPECT instead of a PROSPECT.
I have a son exactly like that and it's very frustrating to see. I've tried the exact approach and hasn't done any good. I think once he understands that success is measured by several failures then there's nothing but upside from there but until then, he'll go no where athletically.

[hbodu1]

My daughter (now a 6'5" sophomore at Shaw University) went through the same thing. One thing that has hekped her in the long run was allowing her to focus the the skills she enjoyed instead of working on her weaknesses.

My daighter was a great shooter and passer. All coaches simply wanted her to learn the post. My deal with her was that she would sacrifice for the HS team and do what they needed; she would play on an AAU team that allowed her to do what she liked.

It worked. Her strengths improved, but, on her own, she began to work on her weaknesses. As she had no pressure from home to do this, she moved forward on her own.

[ClayKallam]

The word we're dancing around here is 'maturity.' Most people understand that they have to work hard to get a reward intellectually at a very young age; but to accept to the level that it supplies motivation is a matter of individual development and maturity.

My daughter is not an athlete, but she has exhibited the same traits: She just doesn't want to do anything that requires hard work. She wants to succeed right now, or she loses interest.

She'll grow out of it, to one degree or another, and though there may be things we can do to speed the process, it will happen at her pace, not ours. Some kids are very successful at a young age because they enjoy high-challenge activities; they like doing difficult things. I don't think that's taught or nurtured by parents -- that's just who they are.

Most kids, and most people, prefer the path of least resistance, until they can finally no longer deny where that path leads. Some get it at age 13; some at age 33; and we all probably know people our own age who still haven't gotten it.

If there were some kind of behavioral trick or magic potion that would teach this lesson so that it was absorbed intellectually and emotionally, it would be invaluable, but from my experience, it has to come from inside, not outside.

There may be ways to have the lesson be learned more quickly, but still, it comes down to the individual to finally accept responsibility for the consequences of her actions.

[Voljunkie]

I feel for you. My son can hit a golf ball as straight and long as anyone I've ever seen with an easy swing. The "problem" is that it he has no passion for the game. I can't "fix" it.

I sugggest you improve the behavior gradually. Reinforce the idea of gradual steady improvement in other things (studies, relationships with friends, etc.). If you focus on the sport, she might give it up forever.

If she has good grades, she is a winner already.

Good luck!

[phillymom]

I have never posted before, but enjoy reading the posts here. My 14, soon to be 15 yr old daughter has the passion for basketball. She listens to her aau coach and works on the skills that need to be better. Her problem is that when she plays on her school team (she is graduating 8th grade this week) or a summer team, she steps up her game. When she plays on her aau team, because there are players as good as she is, she doesn't play as strong. She will be trying out for her high school team next school year and should make varsity, but she knows there are good players on the team, so I don't know if she will play the game that I know she can. Any suggestions on how to get her to put forth her BEST effort during tryouts?

[YourCrimsonNightmare]

Great question, phillymom. I'm not qualified to answer it, but I'd bet anything that somebody here is.